If the possibilities after death actually were heaven or hell, the bar to get into heaven would have to be pretty low. You’re going to torture someone for eternity because someone pirated Game of Thrones a few times? That couldn’t possibly be a moral way of running the universe.
Consider this: God is a dick. The bible is full of him acting like a complete asshole.
oh man if that’s all it takes, I’m golden!
“Oh wait. You put a large cart in the small cart section.”
Not being a huge dick is a low bar that way too many people don’t clear.
The rules for me to like you are quite simple:
- having a huge dick is optional
- not being one isn’t
Is having a huge dick optional, tho?
Like how do I opt in?
well first you buy some flour, then some rubber bands, then some magnum condoms
Tiny check box during character creation, most people miss it
most people miss it
Well… shit. Can I reroll?
Rerolling is a feature exclusive to certain religions
No, not like that.
IMO if we’re talking about sexual compatibility, a huge dick is a detriment. Everything over “a bit larger than average” is literally a pain in the ass - you can make it work with some effort, but if the dick was just average-sized you wouldn’t need to put in any additional effort in the first place. Though of course, some people also have larger-than-average holes. And some big dick havers are pure bottoms, anyway.
some people also have larger-than-average holes
Like sleeve of wizard.
I like a challenge.
Well, I’ve got one for you…
Not THAT much of a challenge tyvm.
Let’s just stick with dicks.
My girlfriend returns other people’s stray carts when she sees them. I guess she’s getting into super heaven.
stray carts
This would be a good name for a rockabilly remix band.
When she gets to heaven, she’ll have carte blanche!
Unfortunately there is no super heaven, but she is earning credits for any scenario where she’d go to hell.
“sweet, i’ve saved up enough points to get a pass on either one murder or showing vacation pictures to coworkers for ten minutes”
Ohhh gotta go with vacation pics. You gotta see this closeup of the sunset I took while standing on a stone column in Paris. Let me find it… it’s here somewhere… was that 2018?.. hold on… oh here is a weird thing on my ankle last summer… hold on I’ll find the sunset…no…no…hmmm… it’s here somewhere…hmm… hold on…
There is in Islam, there are in fact 7 levels
Oh neat. Maybe she can get some Hell swag.
If you’re lucky, she’ll give you her extra points, like using frequent flier miles to get your a ticket.
Eh, the points redemption is kinda rigged because it requires a virgin sacrifice. Puts a damper on that “thou shall not kill” thing.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
One time she accidentally stole someone’s cart, which is q straight ticket to hell unfortunately
Only seven souls have gotten into heaven. The most recent one was Fred Rogers. The one before that was over 700 years ago. The rule is to get into heaven, you need to be judged better than the previous one let in.
See you in hell.
Sooooooooo…Dolly Parton has a 50/50 chance.
Fuck life!
At least the people I hate won’t get in.
That’s a victory on its own.
That means Bob Ross didn’t get in 😭
Little acts of kindness add up so keep doing them!
That way when they find the body, you can still get into heaven!
(That’s a joke obv. Please do not murder.)
Duck St. Peter: And now, let me show you to your new life in Heaven. *winks*
Green duck: Oh, goody, goody!
DSP: Ah, here we are…
GD: But, but… that’s just what I was doing in the flashback!
DSP: That’s right. :D
GD: D:
DSP and Satan, later that night, after their shifts are done, sitting around the poker table, drinking their Bloody Marys: Wah-hah-hah-hah, “Christians!”
Goose, not duck.
I’ve seen green ducks before. Never a green goose. Is he a member of the Green Lanterns?
Only anthropomorphic ones with no pupils can be green, I guess.
Goose, not duck.
In which case, everything I said above is a total lie.
Killed a guy this morning, don’t regret it, in fact I enjoyed it would do it again, probably will, and your gonna give me angel super powers?
What? Murder isn’t a sin.
No?
Of course not, only leaving out your shopping cart.
…
What about rap…
Heaven is run by the Cart Narc
