she went on a rant about VicRoads. How dare they ask for all my medical details. my bad health doesn’t mean I can’t drive, and how dare they ask me to get retested.
“I’m a very good driver, better than “insert name of son” ( who drives her everywhere, ) I see all the things he doesn’t. I see everything and anticipate.”
She’s 86 and can barely get in a car and she can’t walk well.
She was so angry when I said maybe she shouldn’t be driving.
I’m only concerned that someone else may get hurt.
Narcissism in old age manifests in new and interesting ways.
The absolute rage someone I knew flew into when his doctor reported him as no longer fit to drive. Never mind the fact that he blacked out while driving his car, fell asleep on a forklift and had lost a large chunk of his spatial awareness leading to scraping the shit out of his car, but “HoW dArE tHeY”. Fucker is lucky he didn’t hurt anyone. And yet still thought it was an excellent choice to not take his medication.
Some people would rather talk about other people’s faults than admit their own.
I remember my brother telling me about his 91 yo MIL, who was becoming increasingly dangerous behind the wheel and everyone in his wife’s family were just way too timid to face her wrath on the subject. So he “had to play the bastard son-in-law” because it was getting ridiculous and only a matter of time. She was utterly enraged, demanding her licence back, causing a fuss. They made her do a test and she failed. She was even more viciously angry, and demanded another test. She again failed. They found out she was still driving. My brother took her keys. She was absolutely beside herself with rage. She was in complete denial. In the end she was going to demand another test but death got in the way. What a way to spend your twilight years. Some people are just unbelievable.
😔 my poor dad barely passed his recent driving test, and almost definitely won’t pass his next. His partner will keep him in line though and won’t let him try when he’s not allowed
My grandma is 85 and gets so annoyed about the driving question because she’s still fine. But it sounds like your MIL is getting defensive because she still wants to drive even though she shouldn’t. People take that stuff as an insult.
I think there should be a driving test for people once they reach a certain age. Maybe even every ten years or something. That won’t stop people driving like hoons in the meantime. but I wonder how many would fail.
That ‘certain age’ should be 30 imo. And maybe 25 for tradies driving to the public danger in walloping great SUVs stuffed to the gunnels with tools & ladders. Or, alternatively, anyone involved in a car accident or parking bingle has to get re-tested no matter what age they are to claim their insurance. At ‘fault’ or not. This could take all the ageism out of getting re-tested. And imo would lead to MUCH more polite and courteous driving. From everybody.
I like to think that when I’m old enough I will heed any advice that I should stop driving, if I haven’t already voluntary realised it myself. But, with the number of cases I hear of elderly people believing they are fine to drive when they are clearly not, I wonder if some kind of self awareness problem happens in old age? Yes some are narcissists but they can’t all be, can they? Will my brain become selfish and dumb when I’m old? I really really hope not. I don’t want to be that person. Anyway, hope the vicroads testing sorts out the MIL and gets her off the road. Safer for everyone.
Imo half the problem is that driving is so damn convenient - and it’s been sold as ‘freedom’ for many decades now. Getting your licence and a car was/is a rite of passage that says you’re an adult now. Some of the rage is having to admit to oneself that you’re losing your independence, that you need help, that you are becoming a helpless child again. Even when this is true, it hurts damnably.
And there’s another level of pain when you’ve been the caregiver, the provider, the one that controls access to the outside world via a car.
And a car offers comfortable, private, weatherproof transport that just can’t happen on public transport of any sort. You can dress comfortably with less reference to the outside world as you’re less exposed to the weather. And there’s the ability to carry heavy/bulky stuff over quite long distances - far further than you can haul in a shopping cart of some sort on the bus. When there is a bus. If the bus stop/train station has a seat and is rain/sun proof (and not all of them are). Giving up all those benefits AND your independence … no, the rage is quite understandable imo. Doesn’t make it right to keep driving tho. And the risk to other road users just keeps on growing.
I’ve never understood the urge to retire to the country/beach - far from services, shops and health care. Where driving is essential for life. You really do have to come to terms with the knowledge that eventually you’re going to need a GP or an Aldi within walking distance or spend the bulk of your retirement income on taxis or equivalent.
Against all suggestions from fam she chose to live in an area that is far from services and shopping and medical , plus it’s an ugly house that is hard to maintain.
She is angry when others choose better/wisely for themselves, even if it costs the same.
I do not understand. Maybe she thinks she is more powerful if she sets herself up as a “victim” that demands help.
There are definitely awareness problems with age, especially with dementia. There’s even a word for it, anosognosia. It’s one reason a lot of people’s plans for old age don’t work out, they assume they will have the capacity to recognise when they need to make changes, whether that be stopping driving, not climbing ladders or going into aged care. And because our society values being able to make your own choices we allow people to cause a lot of damage to themselves and others before we allow anyone else to step in and start making decision.
Some people of course do use denial as a coping strategy through their whole lives, and that can also be a cause of refusing to admit being unable to do things. It doesn’t help that our society sees aging as a bad thing and has a lot of prejudice against the elderly, people would not feel as much need to deny their own aging if it was seen as a more positive thing.
very old MIL came over
she went on a rant about VicRoads. How dare they ask for all my medical details. my bad health doesn’t mean I can’t drive, and how dare they ask me to get retested.
“I’m a very good driver, better than “insert name of son” ( who drives her everywhere, ) I see all the things he doesn’t. I see everything and anticipate.”
She’s 86 and can barely get in a car and she can’t walk well.
She was so angry when I said maybe she shouldn’t be driving.
I’m only concerned that someone else may get hurt.
Narcissism in old age manifests in new and interesting ways.
The absolute rage someone I knew flew into when his doctor reported him as no longer fit to drive. Never mind the fact that he blacked out while driving his car, fell asleep on a forklift and had lost a large chunk of his spatial awareness leading to scraping the shit out of his car, but “HoW dArE tHeY”. Fucker is lucky he didn’t hurt anyone. And yet still thought it was an excellent choice to not take his medication.
Some people would rather talk about other people’s faults than admit their own.
Thee main thing that made me feel angry was the way she insulted her son who drives here everywhere who looks after her.
She feels no gratitude and thinks saying thank you is abasement.
I remember my brother telling me about his 91 yo MIL, who was becoming increasingly dangerous behind the wheel and everyone in his wife’s family were just way too timid to face her wrath on the subject. So he “had to play the bastard son-in-law” because it was getting ridiculous and only a matter of time. She was utterly enraged, demanding her licence back, causing a fuss. They made her do a test and she failed. She was even more viciously angry, and demanded another test. She again failed. They found out she was still driving. My brother took her keys. She was absolutely beside herself with rage. She was in complete denial. In the end she was going to demand another test but death got in the way. What a way to spend your twilight years. Some people are just unbelievable.
Oh jeez I feel this. Had to have ‘the conversation’ the other day too (again) w/ mum. She’s no longer driving but the topic keeps coming up.
😔 my poor dad barely passed his recent driving test, and almost definitely won’t pass his next. His partner will keep him in line though and won’t let him try when he’s not allowed
My grandma is 85 and gets so annoyed about the driving question because she’s still fine. But it sounds like your MIL is getting defensive because she still wants to drive even though she shouldn’t. People take that stuff as an insult.
I think there should be a driving test for people once they reach a certain age. Maybe even every ten years or something. That won’t stop people driving like hoons in the meantime. but I wonder how many would fail.
That ‘certain age’ should be 30 imo. And maybe 25 for tradies driving to the public danger in walloping great SUVs stuffed to the gunnels with tools & ladders. Or, alternatively, anyone involved in a car accident or parking bingle has to get re-tested no matter what age they are to claim their insurance. At ‘fault’ or not. This could take all the ageism out of getting re-tested. And imo would lead to MUCH more polite and courteous driving. From everybody.
I agree.
Am totally with you one this one
I like to think that when I’m old enough I will heed any advice that I should stop driving, if I haven’t already voluntary realised it myself. But, with the number of cases I hear of elderly people believing they are fine to drive when they are clearly not, I wonder if some kind of self awareness problem happens in old age? Yes some are narcissists but they can’t all be, can they? Will my brain become selfish and dumb when I’m old? I really really hope not. I don’t want to be that person. Anyway, hope the vicroads testing sorts out the MIL and gets her off the road. Safer for everyone.
Imo half the problem is that driving is so damn convenient - and it’s been sold as ‘freedom’ for many decades now. Getting your licence and a car was/is a rite of passage that says you’re an adult now. Some of the rage is having to admit to oneself that you’re losing your independence, that you need help, that you are becoming a helpless child again. Even when this is true, it hurts damnably.
And there’s another level of pain when you’ve been the caregiver, the provider, the one that controls access to the outside world via a car.
And a car offers comfortable, private, weatherproof transport that just can’t happen on public transport of any sort. You can dress comfortably with less reference to the outside world as you’re less exposed to the weather. And there’s the ability to carry heavy/bulky stuff over quite long distances - far further than you can haul in a shopping cart of some sort on the bus. When there is a bus. If the bus stop/train station has a seat and is rain/sun proof (and not all of them are). Giving up all those benefits AND your independence … no, the rage is quite understandable imo. Doesn’t make it right to keep driving tho. And the risk to other road users just keeps on growing.
I’ve never understood the urge to retire to the country/beach - far from services, shops and health care. Where driving is essential for life. You really do have to come to terms with the knowledge that eventually you’re going to need a GP or an Aldi within walking distance or spend the bulk of your retirement income on taxis or equivalent.
This is the big issue with her.
Against all suggestions from fam she chose to live in an area that is far from services and shopping and medical , plus it’s an ugly house that is hard to maintain.
She is angry when others choose better/wisely for themselves, even if it costs the same.
I do not understand. Maybe she thinks she is more powerful if she sets herself up as a “victim” that demands help.
There are definitely awareness problems with age, especially with dementia. There’s even a word for it, anosognosia. It’s one reason a lot of people’s plans for old age don’t work out, they assume they will have the capacity to recognise when they need to make changes, whether that be stopping driving, not climbing ladders or going into aged care. And because our society values being able to make your own choices we allow people to cause a lot of damage to themselves and others before we allow anyone else to step in and start making decision.
Some people of course do use denial as a coping strategy through their whole lives, and that can also be a cause of refusing to admit being unable to do things. It doesn’t help that our society sees aging as a bad thing and has a lot of prejudice against the elderly, people would not feel as much need to deny their own aging if it was seen as a more positive thing.