Men’s lack of deep, close friendships has been in the spotlight lately. A recent Pew Research Center study found that 54% of women say they turn to a friend for emotional support, but only 38% of men say they do. Essayist Sam Graham-Felsen and American Institute for Boys and Men CEO Richard Reeves join John Yang to discuss why some men seem to struggle with maintaining social connections.
The weirdest thing is all that needs to happen is for men to talk about their feelings, doesn’t even have to be another man.
That’s it.
But so many men just won’t fucking do it.
So it’s literally one of the only problems that can actually be solved by raising awareness.
I sometimes question whether the “men don’t talk about their feelings” stereotype even holds true for the current generation of men. I surely can, and so do the few male friends I have. I mean, I guess it’s still broadly speaking true, but my anecdotal experience just doesn’t seem to reflect that too much. Speaking about my feelings has never been an issue for me personally. I even talk about them to people I probably shouldn’t.
How you doing? I have been better!
That’s probably selection bias.
Decades of societal conditioning will take decades more to repair, unfortunately.
I mean, we’re talking about the population susceptible to it in the first place.
All they have to do is stop being weird about it, but they’ll never do it because they’re obsessed with not seeming weird.
It’s fucking insane that you think it’s on the rest of society to spend decades “conditioning” them to quit it with the toxic masculinity. When all they have to do, is stop doing what isn’t working and no one is impressed by.
That’s the most ironic thing about it. All they have to do is stop pretending they’re tough, but they’re not tough enough to do it.
I think you’re oversimplifying when the social consequences for being seen as weak or effeminate have (even in recent history) been so harsh for men and boys. Very often this behavior is abused into boys, with parents (not just dads, but moms too) sometimes going as far as murdering boys they think are gay.
That doesn’t mean men aren’t responsible for their own behavior, but IMO this needs to be understood as an abusive practice foisted on boys from the time they’re old enough to act on their own in any way, a sort of culturally accepted PTSD imprinted on boys. Framing being caught in this cycle of abuse as being somehow weak or unmasculine is itself participating in the abusive structure it is speaking out against.
I grew up on a farm and worked construction, played sports thru college, then joined the military. Raised by and around other men who make my life seem like a cakewalk.
Every stereotypically “manly” group I’ve been apart of, dudes are all emotionally open because they’re secure in their masculinity.
When boys/men think they’re acting “tough” by suppressing their emotions, they’re not copying men who are actually tough, they’re copying other people’s false bravado.
That’s the entire point of what I’m saying.
All the posturing only impresses other people that are posturing.
And literally anyone can stop buying into it at anytime…
If they don’t, they’re perpetrating it.
It’s the easiest thing in the world to stop caring what douchebags think is “manly” and that’s literally all it takes to fix this
If any problem could be solved by ‘just do x’ it would have been solved already. I grew up in the same sort of environment you did, except the men in my life very much bought into the culture of toxic masculinity. It wasn’t until I started to research my own family history and saw the horrific abuse that my father, grandfather, and great-grandfather experienced and perpetuated that I really made the connection between the cycle of abuse, PTSD, and toxic masculinity.
For people that can just drag themselves out of that mire on their own without any help, great. But some need to be pointed in the right direction and to work through all the trauma that was inflicted on them.
It’s scary to do, especially if it’s with someone you don’t know very well. But I’ve found every time I opened up other men have been very supportive.
It’s also a little weird to me that the article doesn’t seem to treat women as potentially being supportive, deep friends for men? I don’t think they established a rationale for why it is important that strong friendships be specifically with other men. Any strong friendship should have mental health benefits.
Women definitely can be supportive, deep friends for men. However, it’s really important that we don’t inadvertently perpetuate placing the burden of men’s emotional support entirely on women.
I’m a woman, albeit not one that cares much for gender (or the divisions society creates around it.) I have relationships of all kinds with people across the sex/gender spectrums (I’m pansexual, polyamorous.) The sad truth is that, for a lot of women in hetero relationships, we become the sole emotional support for the men we’re in relationships with. We’re expected to perform emotional labor for them daily, but it isn’t always reciprocated.
Men who have other men they can rely on for emotional support don’t end up putting 100% of their emotional burdens onto their relationship partner, and trust me, that means A LOT. One of the reasons I’m drawn to polyamory is specifically because it leads to a support network - multiple people capable of supporting each other. Having been the one and only “everything” for a partner, back when I was monogamous, was extremely taxing on me. I have my own issues to deal with, and when a man has no one else to turn to besides their partner, the division of emotional labor can easily become a one-way street.
So you are right - there’s no reason women and men can’t be strong friends with each other. But it is crucial that men reach out to each other too, without expecting women to always be the ones to provide emotional support for them.
I hear you on your second point. I don’t feel like friendships with the opposite sex can’t be strong and supportive.