Man, I always get tricked by these fucking Onion articles. Oh wait…

Can I remove these without issue? I have a shocking amount of them.

Your minivan is huge too…

And your speakers are on subscription plans that charge you for every second that they play noise. Better upgrade to the next tier if you want to listen to anything else!

How do you have 1000 bottles of lube? This must be that slippery slope I’ve been hearing so much about.

Lol eat shit Harvey

Then he’d really be fucked.

You didn’t pay a fee for dining in. Fuck off.

Buddy got that Schenectady eye.

What the hell are these pieces of shit thinking?

Dude had a one night stand with a gator. Impressive.

Looked like a cocktail napkin.

Old people bleed extremely easily. I wouldn’t be surprised if he caught/scratched his ear on the way down.

Man that’s sad as fuck. Can’t imagine that happening right in front of me. And I’m sure it’s just the way the article is written but does the dad come of kind of… chill… when talking about the whole thing? Seems like a character just telling a story in a movie.

Wearing those little eyeball-sized swim goggles works too.

Never ends with these pieces of shit.

Is this supposed to be cult or cunt? Fitting either way.

Scorpions - Rock You Like A Hurricane

Odd that it says $10.99 for individual plan on the website but $12.99 when you download the app.

What is ads