My phone is 5 years old and I’m not giving it up until it’s bricked at this point. Shit is just too expensive to upgrade anymore.

I was very disappointed at the gym this morning when I realized I didn’t have it all to myself.

Meanwhile, and I note this as a veteran of the Iraq war myself, 28.5% of mass shooters had a military background, but they’re not coming after veterans for THEIR guns.

UGetzNoBunz

Yup, it sucks. You can’t trust it to work and you never know how much you need, or if it will work at all.

I feel your pain!

Oh yes, I’m well versed in lactase tablets. I always have these on hand, both Lactaid and Lactojoy (the hard stuff from Germany with 14,500 FCCs of lactase). The issue is that if you keep eating the food with lactose, you have to keep taking the lactase tablets, because you’re body doesn’t produce it (or very little) on its own.

I accidentally ate something with lactose (Chinese food, of all things) last month and had to take 8 Lactaid pills and 2 Lactojoys just to keep myself off the toilet for the rest of the day. There’s no way to tell how much lactose I consumed, how much lactase I need to counteract it, etc. It’s just not a game I’m willing to play, especially out in public. It’s like poisoning myself intentionally and then gambling with how much antidote to take before the pain sets in. Dairy just isn’t worth it.

I’m lactose intolerant to the point that a single sip of milk will wreck the rest of my day within 30 minutes of consumption, so if I ever eat out, I always ask if there’s dairy in EVERYTHING, even stuff you wouldn’t normally think has any dairy at all. Unless you prepare the food yourself, you just never know. My lactose intolerance isn’t life threatening, but I can’t imagine how difficult it is for people with allergies that can legit go into shock and die from them. Eating out must be a nightmare, or just something they’re forced to avoid totally.

This makes me sad.

STEWART/COLBERT 2028

As a woman, I’ve always been kinda jealous of a man’s ability to just piss wherever, whenever. I mean, they do make these, but I’ve never used one because it kinda seems like you piss in there and it it’ll just end up all over your entire yoni, which just sounds like a mess.

As a woman, you couldn’t PAY ME to have a baby, you NEVER could. You know that shit in A Handmaid’s Tale where they send the women who are too old to have kids out to work the fields until they die? Sign me up, because I’d rather be dead than bring a child into this world that has gotten only more and more fucked up as I’ve been alive. I always say, I love *my *children so much that I refuse to give them life on Earth.

She has a severe allergy to something? Sounds like a weakness that we cannot afford the head of DHS to have.

My cousin’s mom was a BEAST at Tetris on the original Nintendo back in the 80s.

Jail is basically my retirement plan if all else fails (and it probably will)

LOL lookit this fucking guy

Please refrain from doing anything for this delicate snowflake in the future, he doesn’t deserve your time.

Well, TIL

Back when my brother still lived with my mom, he, a full-grown adult, had a set of four square whiskey stones made of metal that he kept in the back of the freezer that he would add to a glass of whiskey every now and then. One night my mom texts me a picture of the whiskey stones while he’s not in the house with “I FOUND THESE IN THE FREEZER!” “ARE THESE DRUGS???” “WHAT IS THIS??” Like holy fuck, are you serious? Yeah, sure, they’re drugs, Mom. Cubed metal is all the rage on the streets these days. You just swallow them whole and get high as fuck.

So much winning!